#8: LIVE: We Don’t Have a Plan Here

Chartstoppers has its first ever LIVE episode! One night only! Audience participation barely tolerated! Featuring:

  • Extra-terrible audio quality!
  • Meddling & interference from special guests Scott, Stephani, Todd, Ariana, and Maddie!
  • Background noises from special guests low-flying airplane, lawnmower, bottle opener, and creaky chair!

It’s the freaknd Weeknd baby! We’re about to have us some fun. This week, Eric and Adrian regale their special guests with deep insights into Macklemore’s writing process and fascinating semantic debates (cheerleader is in the dictionary but ass shots, tragically, are not). The jury finds that OMI is not the best guy, but also not the worst guy: that would be A$AP Rocky. They collectively worry about Selena Gomez’s self esteem—in a moment that the Onion captures perfectly.

If you know whether you can get ass Botox, please write in. Good for you!

And then indulge your nostalgia a bit:

#7: The Think-About-It

A hearty R&B greeting to you all! The Chartstoppers expound the virtues of pollen, pies, and the Oxford comma while discussing the two most underrated musical instruments of all time: the saxophonica and the Bop-It Extreme. So grab a spot in the line/queue and sing along if you know the words. If you forget them, you can always just point.

#6: Fleshy Chandelier

This week: well, it exists. Eric and Adrian splash around in the swampy pop-culture more-ass left behind by box-office hit Fifty Shades of Grey. Ed Sheeran and the jerks in Maroon 5 proffer some well-timed wedding fodder. Adrian waves a long goodbye to Bruno Mars’s goatee while his limo goes slower than anything has any right to go, and we all find out exactly which blazers Eric has.

And then listen to Walk the Dinosaur, Let’s Get it On, and everything on YouTube by Rick James playing in different tabs simultaneously.

#5: Portmanbreaux

Eric and Adrian uncover a massive cartel of broternative. Jason Derulo’s silliest endeavor to date counterbalances the inexplicable Pitbull, the zombielike Limp Bizkit, and the eerily familiar Florida Georgia Line. This week’s episode also allocates some time to enjoy another DJ Mustard production, replete with testosterone-soaked hey chanting behind the chorus.

Here’s a quote by someone not us about Florida Georgia Line: “Congrats bro-country, you have your Limp Bizkit.”

Once you’re finished sitting through this lineup, you may want to follow it up with El Chombo’s “Chacarron”, The Frogs with “I’ve Got Drugs (Out of the Mist)”, “Did I Mention I Like to Dance”, some “Limp Bizmarkie” nonsense, “Timber”, “Rapper’s Delight”, or “Whatcha Say” by Jason Derulo sampling “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap. Good luck.

#4: Sex2

Eric and Adrian are dismayed to discover just what it is kids these days like. It’s Tove Lo, who is not as good as Sia, and Echosmith, whose name is barely better than Audioslave’s. This week features two videos with chillingly un-fun sex and two coinages (Eric: singalongable, adj.; Adrian: hipsterdom, n., by way of apology). We learn what British people like from vaunted diplomat Cher Lloyd, and she demonstrates what British people think Americans like. We’re both terrified by a crooning country dude’s sinister hidden meaning.

Other songs mentioned, which are worth your time:

Correction: In the list of sexy mountain names, Eric omitted the obvious “Mount Sexverest.” He regrets the error.

#3: Featuring Shaggy

Eric and Adrian sink ever lower into the depths of the rankings cesspool. They bring their meager Spanish skills to bear for the triumphant return of Enrique Iglesias. Jeremih offers terrible advice, rehashing an iconic 14-year-old track, and this week’s detour takes us even farther back: 1997 was a time of unconcealed double entendre (and other unconcealed things). Don’t watch the Maroon 5 video; it will just make you angry.

#2: Pineapple LP

Eric and Adrian return briefly to the poisoned MAGIC! well along the leisurely walk from Nico & Vinz up through Nicki & Swift. Adrian gets a little paranoid about shadowy studio executives; Eric gets a little hungry for a fruit salad. And this week’s detour leads them to wax sentimental over Charli XCX.

#1: Wedding Hat

On this inaugural episode of Chartstoppers, Eric and Adrian grapple with the pronunciation of Ariana Grande’s name, the freaky old-person/cop/chubby-kid trope of modern music videos, and the travesty of Shitty MAGIC! Man. Along the way from #5 to #1 on this week’s charts, they take a brief detour to wiggle wiggle wiggle (they do, in fact, know what to do with that big, fat butt).